The basket baller

 

If I would choose a line or a slogan for my life it wouldn't be otherwise transparency.

No one actually sees me or insinuate a positive intention towards me... everyone is skipping my name during hangouts and my name is totally ignored except for sports timing...

I try to work hard to prove myself in something and maybe that was represented in basketball... 

Being a champion for 3 years long wasn't considered an achievement for me... I don't know what I'm missing here, maybe it's just passion but I know that passion hits in right time.

I was born in a loud family, seething all the time, for every slight detail possible to be seen, preferred to be taken against each other, just for sake of ANGER itself.

I was cursed... living among them for 20 years and I never pursued something without recieving such a block in front of my eyes, they're far away from a good or healthy environment that provides there kids with enough support and respect...

Speak of devil- my mom just dialed my number and I didn't pick up the line till I finish my cigarette on the edge of the bridge, reguessing death and wildly hesitating to commit suicide and jump over to end this suffering forever, I just wanted to drown deeper and drop myself from a high summit.

As I feel that there's no single reciprocation left for me in this wide world.

I entered my home, checked my mom, she was sleeping on the couch, blindfolded like a naive little girl almost sedated by a pedophile, drunk enough to forget she has a life to deal with, and only asking her young son whose income statement doesn't seem very enough for any sane member , possibly created to live on the earth, 

Her husband was sleeping with my brother, again...

I saw my sister crying in a corner, hiding there in the darkness, where we should all belong...

I approached her by little steps and I couldn't rescue my brother from his dirty hand... he always promises my mom before each relapse that he would stop drug addiction but it ends up here...

Where his real monstrous impulses reveal, he never confesses that he's a gay unless someone supports him, despite this no one supports him in such a decision and to prove he wasn't a FAG like everyone in the school labelled him, he married my mom... and the sarcastic part was fucking her two sons... 

And torturing them for years, being blackmailed, whipped, and underestimated for 10 years is a real curse...

I look in the mirror while I spectate my scars, sobbing while I'm touching them, and sensing my bones popping from my skin, barley begging for mercy... 

My eyes look erased, likewise is my eyesight, my lips are pale and my skin tone is almost fading a way, a phase of fading away... like my identity.

I once decided to run for my life, to survive this toxic shit... and I packed my bag and detected a location on the map and got my direction to an abandoned dorm, cheap and suitable for me, more than living with a psycho... who attacks all who surround him to oppress the bad reputation he used to walk around with...

I go to my college wearing a hoodie... never been seen without and never will be with it... 

I go regularly by a train, my dorm is posed in a small village, a space of crops and trees... a temporary peace that keeps my jaws still stick to the life... yet.

I quitted the team at my college and national team and I preferred writing over any other career...

I recieve messages from my little siblings and I formerly submitted wrong invitations for them because the psycho keeps asking for it and forcing them to write me...

I can't help them ... but they can help themselves like I did...

I know that the least he can do is spying and peeking through ones' lives but the highest point he could reach is just breaking stuff. 

I don't doubt his fear of people's perspectives so he won't harm my family according to this... or he wouldn't survive the law.

It was my choice to leave... without involving the police again... 

Because previously I was seen as a young teenager caught stuck to a man's dick... they didn't see the whole story... why would I do it twice then! 

I prefer walking my life alone... a stranger 

And write

For sake of surviving... just like the moon 

Never got bored of exposing at night

And never complained...

Every fundamental issue was meant to be ours... all we have to do is to hold on and figure out a way to escape successfully even by a distraction.