A relapse

 

She looked through the ceiling as she was looking into a void,

she lost all her senses again,

forgot to eat, to write and even to love

everything sounds irrelevant for her 

nothing feels real anymore, it's like a parallel world dragging her slowly towards it

devours her, therefore her body doesn't look alive anymore

but bloodless, fragile and an empty vessel,

she observed the summit of her dreams to find it vanishing, and during the process all the flowers died, 

all her dreams became fears, nightmares and it's fatally referring to an ending, a claimed ending

she glimpsed, hence she gets closer to it before the opposite takes place

everyone around her witnessed a change, but they don't barely know why

neither she does,

she only appreciates the bed that carries her on, despite she lost her safety ever since she relapsed

the only thing she's remorseful about is staying alive now,

she wants to bash her own identity like it was  never born  

dwells her brain, all the fears, dwells her heart, all the pain

tells her no purpose of this all, no purpose of living this sore again

you will never be happy, it's too much for you

then joy turned into agitation, laughter into tears, and life into hell

all once again,

aside of muscle pain, brain ache is the worst

nothing shuts this noises up

they talk endlessly 

and it's hard to take them off the lead

it all started again

and nothing is tasteful

the deterioration wasn't stopped 

causing a relapse and resulting in terror

now she's lost and doesn't seem hopeful

and the remains of her spirit are now becoming blurry

she stepped off the bed, looked in the mirror, spectated her body and her face

her fake laughter, and all the memories are passing before her eyes, 

including some death scenes staged by her brain 

way clear showing her how to die in many ways instead of living a life she's not worth of

she wore her hoodie, gave up everything and everyone even herself,

she faked a smile to her mother, patted her cats' heads and left in silence

went for a walk

mocking the journey of remedy, mocking hope, mocking safety

because, darling, there's no safety with this empty vessel

she looked at different faces, different buildings, walks with tragedy

heavying her soul, her body likewise,

and taking her where she wants to be buried

she spectates the world for one last time,

saying sorry for whom she loved,

the lantern she held burned her world

and it's only death in her way

she stayed by the bridge 

yelling at these loud voices 

telling them that it's finally the ending that would shut them down

she saw the water at night, down looking shiny

reflecting the lights of the city, and the stars of the sky

asking God, to embrace her scars, and free her from them

trying to jump off the fence, feeling part of the water,

she floated on the floor, looked up to the sky

with tears dropping from her eyes

before she picks up a call, tells her to stay,

it wasn't on the phone, it was no one, it was the only voice that remained in her brain

meanwhile, she withdrew her legs,

she wondered who is this

maybe it was the sound of God into her

maybe her prayers were just accepted

maybe the little faith into her helped her surviving a death attempt

she came back home

reckless, lost and angry,

as well as calm, smiling and tired she looked

she found everyone waiting her with terror being warned previously

she went to the kitchen, grabbed a plate, scooped food

ate her meal and went to sleep without uttering a single word.

still she wonders what just happened there,

maybe it's not time yet, maybe there's still happiness waiting her

maybe the lantern will be replaced with another.