Lunatic J. , chapter one: Beatrice the loner

 

Some people were destined to be silent; silence for them isn’t sacred as much as it’s oppressing.

Some of them chose to be silent because they couldn’t confront themselves all about it or anyone otherwise, they chose to be silent fearing the possible consequences they might encounter, they chose to be silent because there might be no solutions except to vanish, this is their anticipated salvation, for them, silence is assumed to be occurring not because of being timid but because it’s wise to choose among the options.

 

Beatrice wakes up fatigued as usual, her room is a mess, likewise, her life… she checks her phone daily thinking that there might be someone who actually sees her visible and checks on her, and yes, there’s “Lunatic J.” the pen-friend she contacts, she finds her chatroom a free virtual space where she can vent about her dark secrets, it’s a portal for her in which she can teleport at any time so she can escape her miserable life.

 

They never actually met in real life despite the distance between both of them isn’t that far, and it was Beatrice’s choice, she never gave a permission to J. in order not to involve her somehow in danger due to interfering in her life, she is further from being selfish at this point and her behavior is totally accommodated wisely from J. .

 

 

 

She couldn’t affirm any statement about the current phase she has in her daily life, she failed to express what she feels repressed about, she felt bored, and felt like a burden, same repetitive events, same feelings regularly preserved without change, never transmits into good ones, old same circumstances chase her all the time.

 

Thus, she didn’t text her back, her response would be considered vulgar, but deep down in her one-self she believes that she’s still coherent, and apart from attempting anything gestured to be reckless and might drive her to an abyss she can never exit.

 

She received another message, which insinuates a paranoia that dwells her friend, all what she was capable of was telling her that she’s dressing up for school and that her case is quite ordinary nothing changes, and accurately she started preparing for school, the area that if she could stay at all the day and night she would do without hesitation.

 

She wore her hoodie over her uniform while the rains were pouring outdoors, she’s so immersed into the atmosphere of the winter, every water drop over her brown straight hair was a consolation from the world that everyone sees it only metaphorically as cruel, the cosmos is way bigger for her, the world in her head although it carries a lot of odd and complex sentiments it’s still enlightened, it’s still functioning in a way that satisfies her, once she plays music on her phone the world initially gets colorful and much more arranged for her then it gets back to its standard case, when she finds herself zeroing back to her deep devastation.

She just seek any distraction around so she can get away from this feeling following her.

 

She takes the public bus to her school, a song is following another, the rains are still pouring, and everyone is passing by the frequent same stations the bus stops by every day, transportations outside are struggling according to foggy weather, the obscuring of their further destination is so irritating meanwhile driving to work, school or to relatives.

 

Beatrice finally arrives to her school, she enters whereas everyone is spectating her and her radiating look, sad girls are always way more attractive even if they smiled, the guards are always looking with sympathy to her and always wondering what this girl could endure!

 

She entered her class and the teacher noticed she has an agonized looking more than before, she grabbed her books out of her bag and started looking to the board and exert her efforts to stay focused on the course.

 

The class was about physics and the content was specifically about the difference between the fogs and rains, and what’s the form of either of them, theoretically before the practical session that they all will perform the lesson into a live experiment, so the teacher wanted to test the performance of Beatrice, she was the first to be inquired, but her response was surprising to everyone, she got more sophisticated than her old version, maybe she finds studying a mean to distract herself.

 

“Both are most likely to be created from water vapors, the rains formula starts when the sun heats the water and causes it to evaporate, and then when the clouds escalate to the sky in a cumulative way the temperature cools down causing the water vapors to become droplets and these droplets in a colder weather become thicker that’s when rains occur, then when the rains on the surface evaporate it causes another water vapors that are titled as fogs and that could be applied practically on pots experiment in the labor” she answered.

 

The teacher asked the class to give her applause for her brilliant answer, then followed the elaboration, after this class Beatrice decided to go to the bathroom, because of the sudden palpitations causing her asthma to be activated, she took her inhaler down and took a deep breath through it, waiting her shaking extremities to stop, she can’t have nirvana when she’s so involved in this disfigured family that consume all her energy.

 

She went to the pool, she stood for a while in front of it, she was still shaking, a voice in her head has begun being compulsive again, it parasitizes and spreads through her sells, telling her to end all this suffer and just fade away from everyone’s life, she’s not a swimmer so she thought to exploit this moment and give up all this distress.

 

The swimming trainer was about to begin a lesson with his students and he witnessed her drowning into the pool, he ran towards her, pulled her out and transmitted her to the nursing room to observe her statement, she already fainted afterwards she had an asthma attack as well as her lungs are already interacting weakly so she’s way more affected by this event, she’s supposed to be transferred to a medical ward in a nearby hospital.

 

They called the ambulance and called her parents to sign on the document that requires “in loco parentis” acceptance and full care of their case reports, the stepfather was disguising as a very caring member of her family while he was chewing his gum from anger and worrisomely, her mother was a bit of junkie that is not aware of anything surrounding her, she just wanted to go back home and sleep.

 

Beatrice became better and the teacher just claimed there that she was bullied so he asked her if anything happened to her caused by her classmates but she denied, he still considered her scared to snitch and then being bullied even more.

 

She went back home feeling afraid of the consequences that will surely happen to her,

Her mother went to the living room, turned on the TV and laid in front of it whereas the table is full of crumpled papers, vacant noodle cartons, and dirty glasses.

 

 

The stepfather followed Beatrice secretly to her room and slammed the door behind him looking angrily at her, while she’s trying to manage her breathing and closing her eyes, her heart beats were racing, as he approached her and whispered in her ears

“Don’t you dare try to reveal me as a criminal to anyone because I’m capable of doing anything that will harm you and your stupid mother.”

 

“I wasn’t even trying to, I fell in the pool accidentally and I don’t know how to swim” she said

 

“let me rephrase it for you, I will not allow you to ruin me, somehow I will get away from it, you have no evidence of any domestic violence represented in bruises or scars so nothing here to prove, all what you are going to say will be just illusions to everyone, they will say that you can’t accept another man otherwise your father to be included as a family member, they will not believe your naïve theories and you should know that when I get away from it I will be even worse with you and your mother, I will destroy both of you in a glimpse, so you better behave” he responded to her previous sentence

 

Then he went down to check on his wife, she was sleeping and TV volume was so high, he took advantage of the situation and went back to Beatrice’s room, forced her to take off her clothes and dropped her on the floor to continue raping her as it never ends since he joined their small flat.

 

 

When he finished she used her inhaler then went to a nearby grocery store to buy her cigarettes, and an instant packet of noodles to eat, the reason why she’s so malnourished and fragile hence sensitive to any kind of infection.

 

She went back to her room as if nothing happened earlier, she boiled the water in the kettle plugged in her room, spelled over the noodles and then started eating while texting “lunatic J.”

 

“I want to tell you something, Jacqueline…” Beatrice texted J.

 

“All ears, what happened?” J. response

 

Follow the same pattern logically starting from the following text sent by Beatrice: “I tried to commit suicide today…”

 

“Why? What makes you silent through it all, just go and report this bastard, this is so absurd!”

 

“If I did that would be stupid of me, no one knows what he might do and please don’t do such a thing or you’re going to harm me, my mother and yourself, let me just vent”

 

“Well then you can resume about it”

 

“It felt scary at the beginning but then I felt numb, I felt nothing and that was the good point about it, it’s the only way that can stop this mess inside of me”

 

“I don’t think so, this man will resume hurting others, and somehow you will be the salvation for them and yourself, why don’t you poison him? You know I work in a pharmacy and I can give you a good recommendation that will be lasting for few days and will not be noticeable by anyone, you can’t be suspicious”

 

“I won’t, I can’t risk it… this is my destiny, I’m losing myself just often and what remains for me is despair, I don’t want to die anyways but it hits me just all of sudden, I like some aspects of the world”

 

“Well, hang on them tightly and one day believe this man will be punished for what he’s doing, I know this might sound corny for you but believe nothing is random in this world, every action is followed by an interaction, somehow justice takes place even though it might not happen before our eyes”

 

“How is that possible?”

 

“This man has weakness points like everyone, and he uses them converted into overpowering others, he became evil because of something happened earlier in his life, his brain responded to evilness easily because he had the motives born from his anger, everyone has a way of expressing their anger, the way he does is not different from referring to any fragility anyone can have, you can consider this a karma he performs over people including people who hurt him and people who didn’t, he’s in a phase he can’t distinguish between the right and wrong”

 

“Then what? You’re literally justifying for him and I’m starting to regret talking to you”

 

“Let me resume please, do not interrupt to comprehend the full picture”

 

“…”

 

“What I want you to know is that evilness is looping into everyone’s lives, but as long as he can hurt you, you can hurt him back”

 

“Wait, what?! You must be kidding me!”

 

“Nope, not at all. You can already pretend you started to love what he’s doing and emotionally abuse him, and involuntarily he will be caged in your grip”

 

“But he’s not that stupid”

 

“He is, believe me, wink”

 

Beatrice had insomnia thinking all about it, then she went to their bedroom, poked his arm, he woke up and thought she’s intending to do something, she took her hand and brought him to her room,

Told him “you always act like you need me but you never wondered if I do too need you!”

He smirked, and told her that he’s not going to fall for her manipulative trial and tapped over her bony shoulder…

 

She decided to just adapt to it and that no one will ever be capable to give her lessons or instructions how to run her own life, she can listen but it’s not essential to apply anything unless it’s appropriate.

 

She texted her friend to tell her goodnight and then a day repeats itself, she goes to school, and finds everyone gazing with despise at her, she noticed a different reaction from the teachers as well towards them as they advocated for joining campaigns against bullying since Beatrice went to school, the girls and boys in her class waited until the break to tell her she was the reason why everyone got inquired and much more restricted of some privileges as before, they’re missing their freedom now, and all the parents were told to observe their kids’ behaviors.

 

Beatrice couldn’t bear more stress, she quitted attending school for a while, went to smoke around slums, where clothes are hung in the streets, people are gossiping by corners, kids are playing football with underwear, she gazes at the charm of these districts

How cats find peace over trashcans, and dogs sleeping below post lamps while they sense the heat of the ambient light radiating from them in this cold climate, she looks at everything with a different kind of perception, throughout the duration she was walking and listening to her favorite playlist she started to write down prompted text on her fake account on social media …

 

Jacqueline afterwards texted her and asked if she became a poet all of sudden, Beatrice actually answered that she’s more into literature and she intends to be a novelist one day, she will narrate what mortals couldn’t ever narrate, she will spell all her sentiments on papers and share her stories with others, she wanted to die visible and recognized by everyone, she wanted the pen to be her weapon, the power she fights struggles with, which gave her passion and erased partially the ideation of killing oneself.

 

Jacqueline couldn’t feel happier than this moment, she’s just witnessing an uplifting of her dear virtual friend.

 

Beatrice also followed her optimistic and inspiring speech with a demand, a demand implying a vacant place for her at that pharmacy so she can work from now on ever since she dropped off school.

 

The owner of the pharmacy affirmed an approval and asked her to start a training course…

 

She adored staying in the streets most of the day even more than the beginning which made her feel better especially around her close virtual friend that met her in person.

 

Everyone in the pharmacy witnessed her devotion and started loving her presence… by time she still feels triggered by the good feelings that never last, she might think she’s delusional but she sense a high presence of a stalker who follows her everywhere, she always runs forwards without looking back, she’s trying to gain strength so she can at least live…

 

After her shift she texted Jacqueline meanwhile she was going home and asked her if she can stay the night with her, but then she withdrew although Jacqueline felt so enthusiastic about it, Beatrice told her that she feels stalked by her stepfather, she’s afraid of being more suspicious for him so she went home, slept and unluckily he wasn’t home at that moment, unluckily because it’s kind of proving that he was out as well, but the good factor here is that she can sleep without being raped and even if, she bought sleep-inducing pills from the pharmacy, it costed nothing compared to her temporary peace of mind, even if he came she wouldn’t feel it.

 

A week approximately passed and she was already embedded, Patrick already was a new employee as well and he could give her more instructions and help her learn what he could learn before her, he seemed nice for her, she started to feel less odd than before…

 

That day she heard footsteps walking after her when she was going to a nearby café to buy herself a chocolate muffin with her paid salary, she chose it to be divided instead of being paid monthly.

 

She wanted to distract herself from the stalker and then she told herself that even if he was her stepfather he won’t hurt her as long as she didn’t report him, but he might be more violent than before because he’s always paranoid when she goes out.

 

She went home and before she eats noodles right before she sleeps, he interrupted her and this time she couldn’t escape him by sleeping pills, she couldn’t expect him to come to her before her mother sleeps, but she seems already high and away of this world, she dropped the packet of noodles over her bed, crawled back and started crying while she was munching the last piece remained in her mouth, he told her that he started to trust her and that her reward was freeing her from his grip that day, she used the inhaler after this terrorizing situation, took her pills and slept…

 

Jacqueline left her a message but she didn’t check her phone, she went to the pharmacy next day, found suppliers in the store supervised by Patrick, he was checking the amount of samples they got imported with

And fills the data on the PC and while he was watching the indicator of the sells the late period he went back outside to buy food for her as he bought for himself and meanwhile, she overheard someone telling another in the store that they confirmed all the good samples were replaced by another…

She ignored this detail and went home to come back later to the pharmacy out of her mind because she had pregnancy symptoms, she got the test in the bathroom before eating anything and the result was shown positive, she told Jacqueline while she was trembling and when Jacqueline told her not to worry and that could be a chance for her to report him and they can prove the DNA at that case she finally found hope that she could eradicate that bastard away from her life.

 

She kept searching for her inhaler because she thought she lost it meanwhile she was busy doing the test, but nothing actually triggered her asthma attack, she worked until night and then a man came to the pharmacy to buy something and he asked to use the bathroom urgently, she allowed him in, and after he got it he gave her the inhaler telling her that it was found beside the toilet, she confirmed it’s hers and smiled at his face and then he left, before she closes the pharmacy a lady came to clean it, she’s one of the workers that were contacted by the owner to come regularly to clean the pharmacy before it gets closed, instead of allowing the pharmacists themselves to volunteer.

 

Her asthma was already activated by the dust, she started gasping and the lady tried to help her, she went to the bathroom and used her inhaler but seems like it was too late or too severe for her case… the lady kept knocking the door but she didn’t hear a response… so she already made the call and everyone later came to the pharmacy in a shock for what happened to their beautiful Beatrice.