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I had a long journey to walk through, and so far, having more coming next... I was always a silent person until I learned to express myself, without a single feeling of shame, nothing to be ashamed of except disregarding one-self.
I had many dreams to fulfill, got failed, desperate and frustrated, but I always fought back the distresses to resume living, and surviving, I always try to have a plan B, and to not stick in the middle, clueless, dreary and out of passion, and due to natural instincts, people become fragile. People get drained after exerting a lot of energy over something.
Dreamers fail sometimes, I'm one, but all I know is that I try. I try hard to be consistent, to be a better person.
I had a very depressive phase, I encountered many fails, many moments of sadness, I was fighting so hard on the battlefield, against everything dark that could access me.
Although this, I did a good job, I'm more focused, I'm renewed, I'm kind of recharged, I want to be compensated for whatever sadness devoured my weak soul.
Ever since I'm evolving, I'm accommodating that it's actually better to change everything, to start again from the beginning, changing is difficult and often scary, but as long as we're intending to have good memories as we've done before, it's never impossible.
Changing flips the routine, forces us to adapt to a new atmosphere, new habits, and introduces us to new numerous meanings we weren't aware of. Changing internally and externally helps fulfilling objectives, helps finding creative ways to cope with new conditions.
I always feared changing, it was a frightening idea for me, but it's now insightful, as its role helps me overcome many hardships and to find new chances to become better. By June, I'll be starting a new phase of my life, I will leave the country I used to inhabit, I will leave my bed, my comfort zone, will also be very further from my family and friends, I will be far away from the kitchen I used to cook in, the bathroom I used to take a shower in, the living room I watched movies and videos with my husband in. I will abandon my balcony, that showed the moon very clearly every night, which was a company in my bad days and a good secret keeper before I get married, when I used to go upstairs and sit on the roof at my old home.
I will miss all these details; my only fear was me not being able to feel good things as before, but that melancholy is just sinister, is always there to drag us down, I changed places, and I kept my friendships preserved as much as possible, I also been always loyal to my family and tried hard to be involved in their lives and helpful if it's essential.
As long as I adapted before to many places, to many circumstances, I'm pretty sure that I will take a duration to adapt to newness, but I also know that it won't be easy.
I'm having new opportunities to come, that's why I shouldn't fear changing, I have new memories to make, that's why I shouldn't be desperate. I have people to know, new methods of communications, thus I can contact my beloveds apart from me. I'm fond of risks which sometimes don't seem like ones.
I sometimes find a moment of self-loving that makes me skip any kind of toxic climate and find a way of nirvana, I filter my life from assholes, I feel comfort around beloveds, real and not fake ones, I know what to do despite my conflicting and paradoxical feelings and thoughts, despite my borderline case, I'm aware of it, I'm focusing and I want more of satisfaction, that's why I'm not scared to change anymore.
Better results will come. Shall God guide us to a better life.
Draft of May 2023.
7 June 2023 diary and updates...
It became more stressing when I recollected all the memories I had since I was born in Egypt and until now, memories flashed before my eyes, reminding me of the moment I went to school early accompanied by my dad and brother, the moment I used to chill peacefully on my bed, listening to music and washing away sadness lurking inside by this kind of distraction, reminded me of loyal friends and the moments we used to be together, and my mom at each phase encountering all burdens to keep us happy.
Motherhood is a giant amount of love transmitting to our souls and penetrating the deepest point of our heart to inhabit there until forever, motherhood will never vanishes from anyone's life.
I was worried to lose all of these memories by leaving them behind, thinking it's the end, just an irrational fear represented in a scene like this, when I'm inside the plane going to another continent and leaving behind all my beloveds and old self.
But would this change anything? That's the accurate awaited question I'm willing to answer right now... yes, will change a lot. This situation currently forces me to adapt to the new life, new culture and how to make a life anywhere without barriers, gives a feeling of confidence and makes relationships even better and less spicy. How about longing? Longing is mandatory but it shouldn't hinder you from fulfilling your own objectives.
Everyone who loves you truely knows this, otherwise would be very selfish, physical interactions will be crazily missed but let's stick to the fact that it won't be ever like losing a beloved due to death.
At least you can pick up a call from your family one day and get updated about everything, see their faces and listen to their warming voices, so occurs when it's your dear friend.
Technology is way better than knowing nothing, it contacts us to each other, I knew my husband through internet, everything digital right now spares a lot of joy for those who are longing and learning.
Again, to the previous line, in the behalf of you all inquiring: will anything change?
This time it's about acquaintances, relatives and friends not only about yourself and your own experience.
But here, I'm quite glade to tell you, no. Since you and others considered loyal friends, nothing will change that, everyone have their priorities and they seek for seizing all of them, you might have been staying and not going anywhere, whereas the world is moving, so you need to give the push, your friends will be in contact, your mother and family will be happier if they saw you smile, stable and successful.
The more experiences you have, the more you get wiser and stronger. A fresh start for me and everyone similar intending to leave every bad memory behind and make new good memories somewhere else.
Why should I change?
- To evolve, to make new good memories and stop being stuck at a certain point then looping everyday around it hence stepping eventually over it. Feels like a surgery when the patient exchanges the deficient organ with a donated well-functioning one, you might be afraid of dying meanwhile the process but in closure you will find yourself fine.
Why do we fear changes?
- As mentioned in previous phrase, because we are afraid to have worse memories and to lose more.
We are afraid to fail over and over again, but moving to different places helps person looking through the dimensions of the character and work on everything associated to it, that's how the environment works.
We are afraid to lose our beloveds when we aren't with them, but it's good to know that pleasing them when they're alive is the most important, leave everyone a good impact, even in case you died you will remain unforgettable.
How do we change?
- By accepting the new values, adapting to the new standards, culture and new self. By struggling, letting oneself expressive, and honest and allow it to speak the sentiments and ideas hiding inside instead of repressing them until darkness devours us.
So, I've been through three phases:
1. Enthusiasm: new experience, new memories and new version of me.
2. Fear/stress: to lose my beloveds and myself as well as failing more and more, but failing is okay, what should be done next is trying (literally everywhere) it's just an evil impression produced by past traumas.
And stress, because I was afraid to discard any significant detail meanwhile preparations.
3. Reality: here and now. Me taking the plane heading away to the country we are intending to dwell one of its states. Crying, for not being able to touch my beloveds, on another hand, satisfied for finishing all my flight procedures as well as former governmental ones done in bureaucratic patterns,
Satisfied, for seeing everyone safe and sound.
It's a paradoxical combination of sadness and happiness. But when it comes to end, you just want to be happy. So have a fresh start, start by taking a deep breath, wiping your tears, taking your antidepressants and thinking about how hopefully you can be compensated for all the distresses you've passed through, seize the moment you triumph the boredom by thrills, represented in new experiences all around you.
As well as you and others adapted before, this means you are invincible, you are eligible enough to do it again and make a new home for yourself and preserving your relationships until mortality.
Never lose contact and feel their presence around you, but don't lose yourself amongst all these loved crowds.
Also keep your values consistent.
You deserve better, you deserve a change
Replace (g) with (c) and let my aspect be accommodated through this simple riddled paragraph.
I love you, and I pray for you as well as I'm praying for myself.
Meet me back in a new published article of short story. Don't forget to ask or send your feedbacks.
P.s. I have hypotension and acrophobia, you can imagine me screaming in the departure lounge and until the plane launches but, nah, I faced my fears and when I did, I enjoyed. Taking risks isn't always bad.
Have a nice day.
Prompted text:
I look at the sky, asking if the edge I'm stepping over is leading me to an abyss instead of a short surface allowing me to continue my unknown-timed journey! If I jump, shall I be safe? And I recollected all the good days, before jumping, but am I being deceived? Totally. I wouldn't be there on that edge if these good memories weren't combined with others which are bad, I wouldn't be there on the edge if I encountered many good days unless there are more hardships wrapping around my neck like a tight rope. I wouldn't be there also unless I accommodated that all my previous chances were lost. I'm there to overcome, not to look back, to overcome in my way. I looked at the sky, for the last time, before jumping... shall I be safe, shall I get the nirvana I waited for.
Me and God against doubters, me and God against distresses, me and God against these bad memories, and that sand storms blinding my eyes and soul from the goodness. I'm pretty sure I'm getting what I want. "Leave" is the wisest choice I will ever take. Should be taken.
They all blew a kiss on my forehead, these good memories and told me, stay consistent, we are allies of the moon, in the behalf of it, we tell you, honey, you need to jump. If you listened to another voice, you will be chased by evilness infinitely. Let the kisses fill all of them too. Told them, I will never abandon you, shall you never too.
Homeland will remain home after all but that doesn't mean you can't own more than a home anywhere else.
Change.
Another p.s. launching and landing aren't that scary. Appeared to be simpler than I anticipated.
Here are some photos I'm inserting from my gallery throughout my journey from Egypt to Brazil:
Took us a while to be here
Dossy, a friend of mine for 10 years approximately
God bless him
Sleep inducing pill
Full of gore, and I slept meanwhile
Missing every corner of it
The moon witnesses
Totally vibes
We were flying above it, visually, it was a very enchanting sight
20 hours approximately sitting and sleeping over a plane seat, you can imagine the repercussions
Photo taken by me of my dear friends' son named Rayan
God bless him
Sunrise
Sposo cansado
I was waiting desperately to arrive
Qatar airways have the best service of all
Breakfast before arrival
Arrival
And whooooo here's me and my outfit before humiliation
Now all I need is just a shower, good soft mattress and a fluffy pillow, and most important thing is, despite this I crazily want to hang out around each corner of my new place. This country is full of wonders.
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