It’s a bittersweet taste, a polarized feeling that could sink oneself into the darkest depth unconsciously,
what if I didn’t warn anyone on the launching ship about a shark coming closer to the port’s shore, what if I muffled that in my chest and accepted an unwanted fate, for some, but for me, it would be a blessing rather than a curse,
a curse is what I believe I was born this way, a giver, what if it was the opposite?! What if I were selfish? I always pondered, but ending up the same, probably this curse will continue to escort me until the day my flesh will dissolve among the soil. And my dreams will remain a portal to the lurking meanings I’m often discreet about, will remain a portal in which my beholder and oddly part of me transfers signs I’m ought to collect, either to help me or to manipulate me, despite the second, I still feel grateful for it, for that entity that keeps on taking me to another world, where I see myself whether alone or with others, outsiders, intruders, friends, family, whether I’m in the graveyards, or the school, or the rooftop watching the beauty of the moon, and experiencing the most loud silence shared between both of us, the difference is that in my dream the moon feels more real than in real life, feels closer as if we were one and not two separated elements of the nature. The moon was always a witness of plenty of things that happened to be my destiny.
I cannot recollect a single moment when I chose like others, my memories were all about others choosing me as their guide, their guardian, but when I decide to take one, I see darkness in the ambiance and strongly sense the terror of being forsaken. I was a mistake, as my mom told me, she never wanted kids as she also never liked my dad, who nearly worshiped her, and when he died, lord knows how! since he was always healthy and surrounded by no enemies! I doubted that my mom poisoned him, but even if I said that loudly, I would be seen as a delusional and intellectually active young girl especially when there was no evidence attached to that event I could take as a guarantee, but I instead preferred to be the obedient daughter that asks for validation from her mother and sadly from everyone else. She didn’t only shower me with harsh words that make me regret my worldly presence, but also redundantly caused the same mistake by making another small entity she’s capable to torture herself and it with its presence, my maternal young brother that took all my time and efforts as if I were his mother, the proper mother he couldn’t have…
She thought that my stepfather was her compensation, but on another hand, she wasn’t much of a kid lover, she wanted to enjoy her life while she’s still young and healthy, the reason why she initiated to partially appreciate my presence, she considered me an assist or a caretaker of her new baby, a pass-card for her to act however she wants and give up motherhood forever… and my stepdad never commented, he indeed liked having fun too, and factually never held accountable for any of his crimes committed in our district before, those who were stolen and bullied by him never dared to report him, but my mom, amongst all decent men, she chose none, she considered decent men boring, obviously explaining why my dad wasn’t admired by her.
Nothing hurts more than seeing other girls my age going to school, having friends, hanging out, and living normally, while I have to take my brother to doctors, cooking for him, feeding him, singing him to sleep and playing with him all day, but I liked that feeling eventually, and I intend to make my brother feel less unlucky than me, I started to teach him the few stuff I learned from school before I drop off, I taught him math, literature, I helped him read and write and I also bought him coloring books to provide him with a taste of aesthetics, that later will help him survive the world alone if I’m not there anymore. Gradually I started noticing that I succeeded to bond with him until we became best friends, we played together, hung out together, kept each others’ secrets, until the day I saw him bonding with others from the neighborhood and slightly detaching from me, sure, I never possessed him, but in the end I don’t deserve becoming an outcast once more.
My brother didn’t fully abandon me, but he still shadowed me in a way I never anticipated, he spent less time with me than the others in the street, until the moon was retrieved as a company of mine back again, perpetually.
My mom’s cigarettes were surely stolen and I know that my stepdad is complicit, the brand is quite neat and definitely costing a life like mine, it’s cheaper than man’s soul but more expensive than any other cigarettes brand, and I was never among normal mortals to be taken seriously as one. Each one inhaling moment felt epic, as the hot smoke lingers inside wishing to stay since my inside is constantly erupting, the smoke seeked a better environment to stay, I can’t deny this feeling is quite precious, but I miserably never experienced it before, I heard noises on the rooftop where all the scraps were kept inducing all drug addicts and drunk either to steal or hide behind sometimes, I was cautiously observing the edge of the fence slowly carrying a sharp metal pole to defend myself in case he finds me before I run away down the stairs. He showed up while I was slowly stomping over the tiles in order not to creek, and suddenly all possible fragments of memories I had of my childhood were brought up again…
My elementary school private teacher who used to be a dear friend of my beloved father was climbing our rooftop after he ended up homeless, which I wondered how!
All I cared about before getting any answers was bringing him food, clothes, and a proper cover to put over the surface and feels partially like a bed. He looked no different at all, he shared a cigarette with me before talking about his wife that had affair with a lawyer who eventually helped her taking the apartment with all his humble but quite enough fortune, they faked a statement that he was a drug addict and he domestically abused his wife frequently, he ended up even losing his job since he became notorious and no one wanted to make use of him anymore as a teacher, he was deprived from practicing his job, having a house and having a normal life, indeed, just like me.
I kept visiting him daily on the rooftop, where I hid him, he didn’t look as a drug addict as poorly alleged! He was quite sane, decent and a good listener, “You’re a very kind person, Warda! I wonder how people like you still exist in this cruel world! Your father would be so proud, and sad at the same time.” he said, and I couldn’t help but whimpering and releasing the ghost of my fragility all before his eyes, he patted my shoulders and then hugged me, it felt so strange being hugged! Strange and good, I never felt loved, maybe few times when my brother was still a bestfriend of mine, but not this way, not by a man, never intimate! I was miss. No one, miss. Nothing, that event alone made me feel a thing, a small strike that hit my agonizing heart, definitely to revive it a bit. I withdrew from his arms once I heard my mom yelling from the stairs foyer, I came down wiping abruptly my tears with my hoodie sleeves, she scolded me for not taking care of my brother who got injured by a dog that bit him in the street…
“Can’t you act like a mother for once!? I’m tired and bored of your childish acts, you could’ve used a damn condom, or another method of contraceptives instead of throwing your burdens on me any everyone around you!” I angrily shouted and shoke in front of her, instantly receiving a slap on my face resulting in another one I gave her, then I strongly held my brother’s wrist and took the money kept in her bosoms and took my brother to the local hospital asking him what happened while apologizing for projecting my anger on him or showing him the bad side I kept all these years, he didn’t deserve, he is a kid who needs to exert energy and play a lot, he wanted to play with the dog but wrongly touched it then got bitten, I had an ounce of fear that kept increasing proportionally that I could lose him forever, but the doctors who received him comforted me, my extremities were shaking violently and vividly in front of everyone in the reception, they were pitying me, as well as the registering agents who asked formerly about my parents but I didn’t respond.
My brother came out with a bandage wrapped on his wrist and a prescription full of antibiotics and painkillers that were emphasized by the receptionists as budget friendly, I bought the medicines and went home putting my brother to bed and singing him to sleep, my tears were dropping on their own, for the first time my brother holds my hand while his eyes are closed and tells me not to worry, I came under his blanket and hugged him tightly and sobbed, he is growing properly, he didn’t hate me, maybe I felt jealous, maybe I even couldn’t accommodate that it started earlier than I fathomed, I wanted to make him live normally but I still felt wrongly attached to him, I just need to protect him, I don’t need to do the same with him as my mother did to me, I don’t need to benefit myself, I need to benefit him, my subject is closed long while ago, this is his time to live and I’ll do my best to be his guardian.
I made sure he took his doses before he slept and sat alarms on my scratched phone, and went upstairs with a cheap cigarette pack I bought from the grocery on the way back from the hospital, and decided to share with my teacher who was extremely empathizing with me after what he knew…
“It’s sad how you carry all that alone, why don’t you move and take your brother with you, your mother sold her soul to the devil, I could provide both of you, we three travel altogether, somewhere no one knows us, I work as a teacher and you can later help me until you be able to separate if you want, what do you think?” he said, provoking my agitated brain to think and respond him as following, “But we have no money to rent any place, unless I start looking for a job primarily and temporarily here…”, he nodded and smiled telling me that he sees a slight hope beaming at him eyes, I wish I could be more optimistic like him, but trying won’t cost me more losses than what I have.
I started looking online for jobs nearby requiring maids, baristas, secretaries, I found a clothing shop demanding a lady to work full time for good portion of money, relatively to the range I depicted, I started working next day as a cleaning worker and decided to receive per day instead of accumulated so I can buy or save whatever I want instead of asking my mom or her husband and later hear them murmuring. On my way back and forth I was seeing construction agents contributing in our neighborhood to built a military hospital that provide better services, not for us absolutely, but for military families and acquaintances, despite that fact, the neighborhood kids and members were celebrating that a good looking construction will be soon composed and it will make their neighborhood also look better since it will also be paved and bricked… I didn’t feel any of that pathetic enthusiasm, instead I decided to yell at one of the military members observing by the edge of the street while he was blocking it by his car that was parked in the middle of the way, he looked at me with despising gaze and rejected to move his car a single inch, I couldn’t repress my anger and I brought a big stone and broke his front glass, then sprinted back home hearing him cursing and chasing me, I was sweating and panting, I chose to hide on the rooftop, behind one of the junk piles that were opposing another that had “Soliman” my teacher staying behind, he was goggling at me, wondering what’s happening while I was sending him gestures to stay calm temporarily, I heard my stepfather coming, I was afraid he would catch the teacher so I had to confront him and tell him what happened,
“You’re such a disgrace to the family, you’re definitely a mistake as your mother keeps saying, listen, you piece of shit, if that guy below doesn’t go away in 10 minutes, I’ll make sure you and your brother get ditched from my way forever, you have no idea how much I waited for such a moment, you get rid of him now and don’t you dare bring the police back again to this house.” he kept roughly pushing me down the stairs to go and apologize and get him saved from any inspections. I ironically looked at him since he thinks he is less cheaper than me but I just did it for my brother, I came downstairs looking miserable, and apologized for the military guy giving him all the money I had in my pocket as he rejected to take and told me I’m a despicable being and he doesn’t want to see me again messing with him. His warning mattered nothing to me but I made sure eventually that my brother was saved.
I went upstairs and I felt my stepdad’s footsteps following mine, he grabbed by wrist, slit its surface with his pocketknife and said, “Here, this is a reminder, every time you recklessly act, you remember what I’m capable to do, don’t mess around, young lady, I can do worse that what you witnessed here in the neighborhood, nod if you understand and don’t you dare cry now!”, I nodded and held my tears while my heartbeats were racing and then I was pushed over the wall before he goes downstairs again telling my mom he scolded me and there’s no need to escalate, I stayed on the stairs for a while catching my breath and I felt the teacher’s fingertips touching my shoulder, he held me up, shrouded my body with the blanket I gave him and took me to his spot, he allowed me to lay my head on his lap as he kept running his fingers through my sweaty hair, I heard my brother coming up and calling me, I left this heavenly moment to experience another, as my brother cried and hugged me, he showed his concern about me and told me that one day he will grow and protect me, this felt like a blessing, that my brother is also a giver but too young to know how to act like one.
I took him to the rooftop and presented him to “Soliman” and assured the second that my brother is a good secret keeper, we kept laughing and coloring the book I bought him until he fell a sleep on my shoulders, I was approached by “Soliman” and kissed over my forehead, as he said “Soon I’ll be able to take you both away from here and we all have a fresh start, I’m so grateful for your help, Warda”, I smiled and took my brother down and slept alongside him…
Next day I went to work and noticed some women gossiping about what happened in our street last night, I totally ignored intending not to cause any additional problems that could obstacle my objectives…
I finished my work and passed by the same guy that parked his car this time on the side of the street, properly, he looked at me once and ignored me until I passed… I entered our house sighing intensively as I just felt the world’s burdens were vigorously crowding my way to happiness, my stepdad, a proper metaphor of that picking the money I earned forcibly and telling me it’s a return of his financial support he gave me and my sibling which is none but he claims the contrary, for the sake of my brother I didn’t fight him, I don’t care much if he hits me like he hits others, I just consider “Rami” my 6 year old brother who deserves nothing but joy and prosperity, something I never gained from this life.
All I had to do is chill a little bit on the roof with “Soliman” who was quite angry I couldn’t enjoy my earnings, I told him it’s nearly impossible to keep while that scum is around, he offered me to kill him and make it look like he died from an overdose, I wish I could, but I’d rather not getting myself or my brother into any problem even if the teacher said he would help covering up and planning, I wouldn’t do anything risky this time, if that guy survives me and my brother would be dead, and if he didn’t I’ll probably be in jail since I’m also suspected constantly by the military guy.
“Soliman” transgressed for his first time with me and held me arm tightly later causing a bruise, and said, “Don’t I look enough trustworthy for you, young lady? Who else could have thought to help you through your shitty conditions but me!? You mother? She’s a bitch, her husband is no different, and people like me and you have to pay for their mistakes, always. Listen to me!” I interrupted him and went away leaving my cigarettes pack behind, I went to my room and tried to find another flat or even studio I could move with my brother to meanwhile doing my job in the clothing shop, I gladly found a glimpse of hope representing in a relatively further places to check, they’re not furnished, but one could take some of the junk over the rooftop there and make a use of them, could ask anyone with a cart in the street market to help carrying them. They wouldn’t hesitate since they know very well who my stepfather is.
Next day at work I asked my manager to accumulate the payment a little bit until I check the place and move already, she didn’t mind and even patted me over my shoulder telling me “I wish the world was any better to you”. I wish that too, but reality is different from what we usually wish or dream about.
I knew my stepdad would be waiting by the door as previous day, I tried to talk to the military guy but I kept silent for my brother’s sake, the military guy noticed that I was almost uttering something but ignored once I left, I entered and I took a good amount of punches, I couldn’t care less, as long as my brother is safe, he saw me and tried to sanitize the wounds for me as well as applying some small bandages he had from the hospital, oh my brother! If the world sees me with your heart, I would have never encountered all this. I went upstairs to tell “Soliman” about my plan which sounded safer to me than his, he was drunk, “I waited you all day, he hit you already? I told you, scums like him don’t deserve life” he touched my hair and lifted it up from my neck and followed while ironically laughing, “He will keep doing this, again and again and again, and you will remain silent, and I’ll be here receiving stupid sobs and patting your bruised shoulder, jobless, homeless and a person with no dignity. Is this what you want eventually?”…
“I found a place, we can move as soon as possible, I will take some of the junks here to help providing the place with furniture and I’ll also work at least until the savings are enough to get us to a better place.” I said, he shrugged and laughed loudly before I shut his mouth with my hand requiring him to be quiet, he asked if the place is nearby and I honestly mentioned it’s far away relatively but still accessed by the neighbors in our current location and followed, “But don’t worry, no one will ever snitch on us, they all hate him”, he approached me, “Maybe, your mother was right that there’s no point of your existence, but I only have one adjust on her phrase, there’s only one thing that you can be used for…”, all I saw ever since that moment is a darker destination, darker ambiance, and sharp edged corners causing me just to stay where I am instead of moving anywhere through the dark forest where assembled a scene of a cemetery awaiting me among its soil, he was on top of me, hitting me the same way my stepfather was doing, and pressing the recent wounds resulting in bleeding again, I felt him inside, I was always preserved for a moment when a true love knocks my door, but who am I? Whose life is that? What was I expecting? These dreams don’t fit someone like me, someone like me ends up giving but not taking, someone like me if wished something finds the contrary, I’m the giver, the calm to others’ pain and the desperate for salvation, but I can remain my whole life desperate if I didn’t die.
He finished, grasped what he did and remorsed nothing, I then stopped talking, writing, working and I stopped seeing him on our rooftop. The following day, my stepdad came upstairs and found me laying on the floor, “Why didn’t you tell me that you’re erected by violence? I didn’t know a whore like you would be any interested in something like that your age…!” he said, and before initiating my mom called him from below… “I never leave any job unfinished.” he whispered and spat over my chest and left… and I’m left with my pain wishing the sky to take me but before, I had to cover myself, hence, my brother doesn’t see me like that… But only the moon was my witness.
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