“Stop doodling on my notebook, Elif! The teacher will scold me again.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Nora. What teacher? Mr. Nedal? You know he’s just a sweetheart.”
“Ah! You’re doodling on Mr. Nedal’s notebook? Well then, let me doodle even more…”
Both young ladies shared some good laughs meanwhile the bus was driving by tree-edged suburbs, where tree leaves were falling like oneself skin throughout life time. Growing costs us a lot, and gives pain in return; pain, fragments of memories, and few lovely moments to remember in the midst of certain distresses. Most importantly, manifests but not creates, our identity.
Elif woke up gasping and sweating from every pore of her body, and shuddering enough to be incapable to hold the glass of water she kept on her bedside table. Her husband, Bassem resentfully grabbed her glass and placed in her palm which wasn’t a subtle decision of him seeing her all soaked in sweat and panicking…
“You’re not a little kid, Elif, this is not your first time waking me up to bring you your glass of water, get a grib of yourself and go get what you need without waking me up all the time”…
The glass couldn’t resist the imbalance Elif’s trembling hand was causing and fell down shattering in pieces, making a tiny puddle of water on the bed and the floor and enraging Bassem who grabbed her elbow and pulled her out of the bed, yelling,
“Now, you need to tell me exactly what you’re aiming for, huh?! Couldn’t you already hear what I told you? If you’re becoming deaf you could tell me to look up an ENT doctor for you but this way you’re way too provocative and unbearable.”
“Chill, Bassem, I’ve got enough to deal with now, don’t be an extra, move so I can change the bedsheet” Elif responding with a raspy low tone while picking a clean bedsheet from the wardrobe to replace the wet one with, ignoring Bassem who’s grinding his teeth beside her and observing her in silence; that was broken by his following ruthless clause,
“I just can’t grasp what you said to me! “Extra”! I’m an extra? Can’t you see how clearly you’re a burden to me? Day by day I’ve been trying my best to help you and you neglect all the affiliated signs and mention just my loud voice!? How unfair of you, ma’am. It’s like I’m married to someone else, not the college girl I loved, not the smart, eloquent, and kind lady I expected to be my wife! What happened to you? You have a job, unlike plenty of people trying to get one desperately, you have a husband, no one ever forced you to marry, unlike others who don’t have company in their life or even those who get forced to sleep with men they don’t want just because of unfair family pledges, and eventually, you go to a psychiatrist, Elif, tell me how is that not even beneficial to you?! Unless you go there to flirt! You ungrateful being.”
Elif gathered her confidence to slap her husband on his face and tell him to sleep outside without clarifying anything or even giving him the privilege of venting time or sharing more details, as if he was indeed, a stranger, as well as he described her.
“I’m not sorry, you deserved it after insulting me nonstop, I’m not your servant, and never servants were to be treated vulgarly or hostile like that.” she said while throwing his pillow outside in the living room and in her heart dwells the fear of being attacked or abandoned by him forever,
“This wasn’t even a slur, not yet have you seen anything, Elif, I’ll remind you properly of that slap one day, let that sink in.” Says Bassem who picked up his pillow from the floor seeing her slamming the door coldly, and that stance solely led him to escalate the amount of grudge towards her and plan on divorce.
They both woke up exhausted after few hours and each of them was dressing for their work. Elif was preparing coffee to take to the girls’ school she teaches at and she decided to prepare another cup of coffee for her husband, writing him a note onto “I’m not sorry, but this cup of coffee is gesture of moving on, I wish your day becomes better than how it started, Prof. Bassem.”
She left the apartment giving a soft smile, that was abruptly interrupted by a mother cat that died due to the cold rainy climate, leaving behind a cluster of kittens meowing desperately; Elif went back home rushing to bring them an empty carton box with a small blanket, Bassem saw her and asked about the coffee note she left, but she ignored and went to the room to get the needed things for sheltering the kittens,
he saw where her concern was navigated then he told her he won’t have them home,
She took the cats inside and kept them warm,
“You don’t seem like you want to move on, do you?”
Elif lost her control after his escalation and shouted in the corridor, “Bassem! Are you blind honey? Or you’re just projecting your anger of me over innocent kittens! Go to your work, please, and leave me alone dealing with this crisis already.”
She couldn’t prevent the heart stings she sensed while removing the mother cat’s body, the deep devastation that haunted her about the kittens depicted need of an absent mother… during her classes she never stopped thinking about that… recollecting some memories of the same young lady chasing her in her dreams…
“Hey, Elif, will you tell the teacher?”
“I don’t know, Nora, Ra’fat is an abusive person and his father scares the whole school, I don’t think snitching on him will change anything, especially with an absence of evidence.”
“I had him recorded on my new phone, he was doing it for a while and that was his lucky day I was carrying a phone with a camera to capture him killing that poor cat.”
“I don’t know, but I don’t think this is safe…”
“I don’t care, maybe sharing this video anonymously will change things…”
“How?”
“I’ll buy a new SIM card and I will share the video through it and throw it in the river”
“Good idea, since no one will permit us to say it out loudly with guaranteed protection.”
“Indeed.”
Elif’s memories were meddled by the the students’ inquiries, asking about the due time of the project, she responded and left the class frowned and aching, her friend, Samia, tumbled with her on the way to the same classroom,
“Oh! What happened to you, Elif? Did the girls bother you? I know sometimes teenagers act rudely thinking it’s the coolest way to express themselves.” she said, But Elif denied and promised to tell her later.
“Hey, doc, I need to appoint a bit earlier than the detected next session date.” Elif texted her psychiatrist hoping for an approximate visit, then she headed to the market to buy more milk for the kittens but she didn’t find the proper one according to the animal nutrition standards, the searching she did made her know that the integral milk they use on daily basis is too strong for the kittens, therefore, she had to go to a hypermarket to find more options…
Once she did, which was mostly avoided all previous times, she remembered the days she used to work for an Italian manager at his hypermarket...
people there were primarily friendly, but later on, she started to receive a constant caveat from her coworker who was bilingual and was able to speak Italian all the time with the manager; who molested her and started doing that gradually with Elif; until the day he took her to his car…
“Here is your change, Ma’am, come visit us again…” the cashier poked Elif’s shoulder causing her a sudden woke from her dissociation, before he adds, “Ma’am, sorry, wait, you’re not signed on the system here, since you’re a new customer you have a 50% discount on all possible products, do you want to browse a bit more?”
Elif rejected and decided going home as fast as possible, she found the kittens warm and sleeping, she woke them up to feed and play with a little bit, moreover help them urinate basing on a tutorial she learned...
Bassem came from the outside wearing a pajama and carrying fruit crates on his hand, and followed by Samia, Elif’s collegue who kept calling Elif to check on her but she was busy and distracted in the transportation’s bustle, also shopping for sake of her kittens.
“Sorry, Samia, I wasn’t deliberately neglecting your calls, I just arrived from the outside and surely prioritized these little ones more than even myself.”
“No worries, sis, I’ve been worried about you lately anyways not only today and I had to come check on you myself rather than calling and whatsoever.”
Samia comforted Elif as she sat on the sofa waiting her friend to finish taking care of the cats and then they can have a proper conversation about late events.
When Elif finished she felt quite overwhelmed and out of words, despite the urge to talk with the psychiatrist earlier, but for sake of being a good friend she just mentioned about Nora, the young lady she keeps seeing in her dreams and even when she’s awake as if it was a memory, but she never saw her real face…
“What exactly do you see while being with her, Elif?”
“We both wear the same uniform, but I asked my parents twice about a friend named Nora but they were never positive, I keep seeing her all the time, she bursts in my reality and diminishes my concentration on different subjects including my marriage,
I don’t know why now!? Even my psychiatrist doesn’t capture the bigger picture due to lack of details I can’t give, just diagnosed with PTSD and taking anti-anxiety medications.”
“Is there something specific happened between you both here and you don’t want to mention?”
“Yes, but that was after I started seeing her, I was fine, I just don’t know why it was triggered!?”
“When do you think this started?”
“A year ago, when I started a new job at our school… I get the bond, the school, but who’s this, and why am I seeing her constantly!?”
“So how’s your husband dealing with this? Is he helpful? He looks like a good one…”
“He was, I mean he is, I don’t want to be unfair, he just started to be involved in a toxic way for both of us, I feel like I’m burdening him…”
Samia hugged Elif and said, “There’s no such a thing as burdened partner, partners are called that way because they’re there in good and bad days, if he’s there only for the good days that won’t be a good partner, don’t blame yourself and feel free to open up to those who you trust and love authentically.”
Elif patted Samia’s shoulder and went to the kitchen to prepare coffee for both of them meanwhile the cats are sleeping,
And for the rest of the night she opened a discussion regarding the school and nothing else about her mental state…
Next day they both woke up fine, her and Bassem, she even saw him patting the kittens which made her guess he was sorry for what he did previous day… and unlike previous days, he said he’ll prepare coffee for her this time and winked, saying “for moving on”
she smiled and thanked him and spoke a bit about her today’s program in the school, gave the kittens their meal and left rushing for the public bus.
Her phone blinked light and beeped, it was a notification from her psychiatrist who confirmed a session with her; because she failed to recollect all the things she wanted to say formerly in the sessions she started writing on a note her thoughts, and duly, Nora crosses her mind again, they both were getting off the bus and going through a small forest full of dropped leaves surrounding a small trail of dry soil, they kept walking until Nora stopped Elif and blindfolded her with a gag and invited her to play a game with her…
Elif’s heart rate started racing and she started to breathe heavily but she could manage to eventually control herself in public.
She finished part of her classes early and asked a substitute to attend the rest of her classes for the rest of the day, because Samia was absent that day…
She continued writing down her thoughts on the way to the psychiatrist, but the noises around her were destructing what she wants to build… eventually, she arrived earlier than her appointment, but there was no one in the clinic, thus, it was her lucky day…
“So, Elif, how have you been?”
“To be honest, I’m worse than before, I don’t want to sound offensive, doc, I love you and I appreciate your efforts, but every time I take my medicines and encounter the same troubles again and again and again, I end up feeling frustrated, not because of you, but because I can’t actually benefit you much or even benefit myself, I’m hesitating, I don’t know if I should resume therapy or stop or if this will end in a good or a bad result, I feel like a bad omen.”
“Bad omen? To who exactly? Because I’m totally fine, this is my job.”
“My, my husband, Bassem, he started nagging about me and he can’t even hide his anger anymore, he called me labels the night before yesterday, and I never was physical with him or anyone else, but I slapped him… I think our marriage is deteriorating…”
“Look, we don’t marry or befriend others to just share good memories, so, the point is, he needs to be aware that this is a transitional stage of your life but it’s not going to end in a blink of eye, and his behavior with you can not be justified however stressed he might have sounded, I guarantee you, he won’t be fine if it was reversed.”
“So? What do I do?”
“How are you dealing with this in the first place?”
“Nothing, just ignored and prepared coffee for him next day and tried to move on…”
“Alright, this could work now but on long-term it won’t. There should be a conversation, I can offer you both a relationship consulting if you want.”
“I want, yes, I don’t like how we are anyways, and nothing else helps.”
“Okay then, that’s about both of you, but how about you alone? Is that girl still visiting you? And is that the reason why you’re here? Or something else happened? Aside of your marriage inconvenience?”
“She’s the reason why I’m here, and why my marriage is the way it is now, I wrote some stuff down, but still there are more details evaporating,
we were schoolmates, same uniform, but still my parents never affirmed her existence in my life,
she’s laughing with me in the school bus, and were doodling on each others’ notebooks, she’s talking me to a sub-forest and blindfolding me…
she bought a new SIM to anonymously send a video of an abusive student killing a cat to the principle… nothing else…”
“Do you luckily save your notebooks?”
“What are you implying? Confirm the doodles? I don’t know, probably not… but I remember my mom never selling them or lending them to anyone, we lived in a different place, I don’t even know if our house is inhabited by drug addicts and it’s safe to go there or not! I don’t even know if it’s worth it.”
“But your mom kept some stuff there, right?”
“I don’t think so… we took everything necessary, maybe she discarded some newspaper or some notebooks to save some pinnies. I’ll text her later to confirm… but I feel negative about this.”
“We will try everything possible, at least to confirm she was real and this is not your brain creating a character to distract you from your reality which will be detected as a psychotic symptom later and accordingly, we will change our medical plan, you’re diagnosed so far with “PTSD: Post traumatic stress disorder”; which I believe appeared when you were sexually assaulted in the hypermarket, you have disgust of older men, you are afraid of abandonment, obviously because you were alone, and you have weird repetitive dreams or characters showing and causing you obstacle in real life, perhaps, this is an escape from reality, your brain is creating, or this is another link to another trauma you’re indirectly confronting. Time will detect, now what’s your next plan? Head away to your old home and search if possible? Or squeeze our mind more and encourage our parents to do the same? However answer, I’m prescribing you some vitamins that could induce your brain to enhance the memory a little bit more…”
“Thank you doc, I think it’s better to ask my parents again, I don’t think it’s worth it going to my old home, I don’t even think it’s safe, even if I was escorted by someone I trust…”
“Alright then, see you next time, text me if you need anything…”
Elif took a cab to the nearest pharmacy to buy herself menstruation pads but her balance wasn’t enough, she had to go home and take some changes in her purse,
while she was unlocking the door, she heard female voice inside, she slowly opened the door, but the door squeak alarmed her husband and the half naked female that was with him; that appeared to be Samia.
Elif couldn’t help but grabbing Samia from her hair, and all the sounds and voices around her were fading as she was erupting and calling both of them labels with a shattered heart, how could life be so cruel on someone who’s barely surviving!?
She expelled Samia as she is, half-naked, without hearing any clarification, no words would have eased that agony for her,
“And you…” she referred to Bassem, with a raspy lower tone on the verge of crying,
“You pack all your stuff and get the fuck out of here, this is my apartment and I bought every piece of furniture in it, you can go live with your slut, and send me the divorce paper quietly, or I’ll make it a scandal. I’m leaving now, heading to the pharmacy, I want to come back and you’re perpetually gone.”
She closed the apartment room behind and suddenly a memory interferes in which she sees Nora again… navigating her to a place, telling her to jump up once, and down another, go left or right, until she reaches a building and Nora removes the gag from her eyes, and tells her “Here, our imprints… I took a stick on my hand the next mathematic class but that will always stay here, you used to be good in mathematics, Elif”
“And you’re better than me in linguistics, gladly we could put imprints everywhere!”
“I will never forget you, mate.”
“Me neither, Nora.”
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