Suggestions, Chapter one: A tour to fatality

 

Utters none, the wounding soul,

through the plights long shall it lingers,

pleading for mercy to cover her cold neck like a shawl,

to remove her sore feet from the mud,

and to rest her on the shore, so that her fears wash away and all whimpers…

Laila woke up gasping, looking for a glass of water to gulp and a towel to dry her sweat,

after another nightmare including her deceased brother, where she was never capable to rescue him from his fate, the same snowy mount stained with his blood is still haunting her, unlocking plenty of negative sentiments no one would wish to encounter.

She endured all the coldness of her parents regarding this subject, thinking this is their way of adaptation, or just because he was a misconducting son, but deep down, she craved him as a company, even if he was a toxic company, a brother who beats, insults and embarrasses everyone in his circle. Last time he left, he argued with everyone creating a serious family conflict, leaving everyone behind agonizing from the nonstop burden looping all around them. Only Laila chased him until he got in a cab and gone long without announcement.

A week after another and there’s no news from her brother “Anas”, her patents, “Ehab” and “Karima” were deeply offended that they no longer seek his trace or wish his presence, therefore, Laila had to call the police that one day she changed forever into worse…

It’s the second year of secondary school and Laila scores more than any student in her class, everyone discreetly envies her dedication and strongly emitting glow, despite that, she couldn’t be befriended by anyone, she feels like they loathe her for being more seen and praised by the teachers, even after she tried to degrade herself, she became a total ghost, she lost the only light source that used to make her feel like existing.

To regain it, she had to study again, more than any previous time, to reduce the accumulated tasks until she got the highest rank and the school rewarded the brilliant students consisting her and others more with a fee-free school trip to the capital city,

other students attended too but they had to pay fees to the supervisors unlike the privileged ones,

“You didn’t have to study that much, guys, the fees are quite symbolic!” a female student said laughing provocatively at the supervisor who later scolded her and almost excluded her out of the trip, but other teachers tried to cool the stance down and get everyone in their place.

It was a cloudy day, the windows were misty, slightly dripping water mixed with dust, Laila was observing the colors of blurry car lights and lampposts showing from the window, listening to music and seated solely until she felt asleep halfway, seeing a meadow-sided muddy trail was stomped over by someone before she arrived, she approached the footsteps one by one until they disappeared, then a shadow with a lantern came across the fog and gave her a paper stipulating “Do something risky, they’ll love it.” then her brother came from behind and touched her shoulder, “Are you looking for me?” he said with a soothing voice causing her to drop tears involuntarily meanwhile sleeping… She woke up and wiped her tears before someone notices, then she adjusted her posture and started thinking of a way to spice up the situation between her and her colleagues.

The road was jammed, they finally reached the capital, but unfortunately the authorities were all in the street, inspecting all cars and restricting access to some areas including the one the school bus is heading to, the news platforms were all covering a crucial event of terrorism and theft caused by a group of men who decided to steal a bank, the government was threatened not to access or they’ll have to bomb different locations, the government hence succumbed for a while trying to find a way to negotiate and to confirm if there are any implementations of any bombs in the surroundings, all that and Laila was seriously thinking to intrude the crime scene concerning about no repercussions, she instigated Fairouz, Dima and Isaf, the three young ladies who welcomed her suggestion and went with the flow… Lord knows what awaits the four of them!

Laila took a side street and disguised with a shawl on her face so she can enter from the exit while everyone was going down including employees and moderators by a command and warning given by the government, people were crowding the road and screaming which gave the girls a chance to infiltrate inside, Laila asked if the girls have intentions to discover how these criminals look like and maybe they could become heroes, they all felt thrilled, hence, splitted in two groups, each group takes a side.

While Laila and Isaf were slowly checking the interiors of a certain office, they heard a noise outside, Isaf felt intimidated and said she doesn’t want to continue and asked Laila to abort the task, but Laila insisted to resume, Isaf gathered Fairouz and Dima who also shared the same feeling after deciding the contrary a short time ago and went outside the bank the same way they came, hidden, and Laila was trying to track the sound until it suddenly disappear, she decided to abort the task and forget about it, but when she was descending the stairs a hand grabbed her neck from the back and gagged her mouth, every muscle of her body was trembling and every dream and memory she had were flashing before her eyes, she felt death coming towards her, her eyes were red from shocking and her veins were pumping, she saw the face of her brother looking at her with concern while his feet were chained, and her parents were as disappointed as they ever were.

She opened her eyes shaking and looking around, to see a pattern wallpaper, a window blocked with wooden panels, and a guy mid-thirties smoking by the end of her blurry sight, he stood up from the torn chair he was seated on, walked closer to her and cleared his throat,

“Among the victims I’ve met, my first time I see one that craves death over life, they all used to scream and runaway, you think you’d be a hero if you caught me?!” he smirked, waiting a phrase to come out of Laila’s mouth but she was in total dysfunction, he followed, “These people make their own laws, laws that only protect them, you think they don’t steal? The might be even worse than us, but it’s only us to blame, therefore, I refuse to be seen by either you or others from your kind as a terrorist. You thought you’ll be a hero but they won’t mention your name, and the achievement will be attributed only to the government so people like you instantly later believe it and blindly trust them. How naive! By the way, how old are you? You look younger than an employee in the bank, also, you’re not in formal!”

Laila crawled back on the bed she was tied on, and begged him not to hurt her,

“I killed no soul in my history, don’t be frightened I will release you, but you’ll have to pay for what you’ve done, consider it an assist from me, a lesson for you to learn not to interfere into a business that has nothing to do with you.” he said, before he grabbed her bag and checked her identity,

“Please!” she tried to pull the identity card from his hand and beg him again to release her, “Interesting! A girl your age with such ideas! How brave! You’re definitely something, if the destiny had a different path I would’ve worked with you!”

he said, then she responded “I would never work with a thief, all I wanted was to be seen by my friends”,

“You evoked my devil, young lady, I warned you,”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to… I really didn’t mean to”

“At least a “Thief” like me is seen and chased by others, meanwhile pathetic ghosts like you remain invisible in this life, you think you’re better than me? Pity! You said you wanted to be seen, right? I’ll make you a star!”

The walls tightened on Laila as if she was put in a grave, precisely, that bed felt like a place she died on.

Her colleagues couldn’t remain silent for long, they informed the supervisors who were looking for them and escalated the situation in which police called her parents and summoned them and called the nearest hospitals to know if she was dragged in any, until Laila was thrown out of a black van in the street, unaware deep down thinking she’s dead… an old man who has a small food booth by the end of the street came and checked her, then called the ambulance in shock, once she was transferred to the hospital nearby they informed the police that she entered, her father was on a vacation overseas, so it was her mother that came and learned that she was raped and distorted from the inside, and unfortunately won’t be able to conceive, she couldn’t say anything, she crouched over the floor and the teachers started to console her and cool her down in her distress…

After 3 months of physical and mental healing, Laila came back to school, it was the last year of high-school, everyone although their sympathy at the beginning of the event, they still loathed Laila for being an instigator and a risky person, also, at some point, they put the blame on her for what happened with the criminal, causing a pressure on her the first week, till she had her meals every day alone in the bathroom, again, back to her solitude, she felt the urge to soak herself with water under the showers to she can cool down the heat in her heart and head, but nothing was efficient, she went to the principal all soaked and demanded to be permitted to finish the year from home, but he asked for her parental permission first… she went to the class angry, took her bag and books and ran the corridors as fast as possible in order not to be caught by anyone, only Isaf, Fairouz and Dima followed her home and tried to ease her pain and help her finish the last year successfully.

She looked at the mirror, tore her uniform and looked at her body, “You liked it, right? He didn’t lie when he said he’ll make you a star. You craved it, you wanted to be seen and desired, so why feeling like a victim? He did you a favor.”

she said to herself, broke the mirror and grabbed a glass shard, “Your body is filthy, you’re a sinner, desire is not what you crave, atonement it must be.”

She started cutting her wrist and hold the scream inside her, “Don’t do this, please, Laila, I beg you” a fainting voice of her brother was fading as she was witnessing a shadow behind her back, whispering “He is dead, I’m alive, he’s the reason why you’re running after superstitions, am I wrong? Didn’t you go to a diviner to get yourself connected to your brother’s spirit? Do you believe their bullshit? I’m the only one real here, I’m your own voice. He’s fooling you.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t believe them, but I shouldn’t believe you either, you’re the reason why I did what I did!”

She said while bleeding down the sink, she threw away the glass piece and opened the door asking for help, her mom and friends were shocked and after her wrist was sewed, the hospital recommended an urgent therapy visit, in which the therapist wasn’t much helpful and was feeding the guilt of Laila more and more, he wasn’t less misogynistic and judging than those in her school, but after all, Laila’s friends could help her study at her new cozy home, where her brother used to visit and comfort her in her bad days, until one day he stopped visiting, she pended all her studies and redid all the rites to summon him back, but it didn’t work, she slept trying to see him there, but instead, she saw her dad holding a dead fetus on his palm and a balloon on another hand, she looked at the sky, it was black without stars, black as a void, her father had a letter in his pocket where it tells him he’s fired for embezzlement and her mother was sitting near a tree crying for the bad news, then a mute lady bleeding from her bottom was pointing at her dad crying, gradually trying to open her mouth that looked like it was closed with a thread and screamed loudly causing Laila to wake up with a panic attack trying to catch her breath, she went to the bathroom to wash her face, but she heard her father’s voice murmuring from the outside, she tried to overhear his conversation while he was hiding in the balcony 3 AM smoking piles of cigarettes,

“I told you I don’t want it, it’s not your only decision, I won’t let you have it”

“Nabila! I said billion times, I won’t have another child, I have one already and I’m barely surviving, my wife can’t know about this, and if you dare reach my child as you’re threatening me, I’ll reach to you before you do, and I’ll make you regret”

“I want to hear you saying “Alright”… I promise I’ll make you regret if you didn’t abort this baby, you heard me?”

“Good, now, that’s my Nabila, I don’t want to see you again, if you try anything...”

“Good.”

Laila went to her room before her father notice her around, she smelled like smoke and she felt awkward for having her dream somehow linked to reality, she couldn’t distinguish if this was manifestation or just intuition! She went back to sleep and heard in the morning that her dad had to pay a giant bail for the embezzlement lawsuit, almost everything he saved was paid as a punishment, Laila preferred not to tell her mother about the mistress and decided to keep the secret and tried her best to succeed the year, and it happened, again, with the highest rank, she beats down every sinister soul that once bashed her down, she decided to study technology and she was already enrolled since her grades were more than enough to be accepted, her friends Isaf, Fairouz and Dima were a compensation for her brother’s absence all the way long, the thing she profoundly appreciates and feels grateful for.

“If you love him so much why don’t you visit him? Are you not courageous enough? Maybe he’s upset because you never visited, ask your parents where his location is in the cemetery.”

Is it right? Is it that difficult for oneself visiting a dead beloved? What are we afraid of? Ghosts? Or the possibility that they might not come back?